Reassurance at its finest.

The Science Corner: “Why is this picture so amazing?”
Well I’m glad you wandered over to the science corner to inquire. I’ll break it down for you:

1. Thumbs Up: The “thumbs up”  is the absolute classic example of bestowing confidence to fellow members of mankind. Maverick dares to push it farther. He is giving you a thumbs way up. To the skies. Maverick is bringing his thumbs so high up for you, that he bought a plane just to tell you how much you rock.

2. The Look: The expression of Maverick’s face lets you know that he is proud of you, while still respecting you as a peer.

3. Color Scheme: America.

If you were depressed before this, now you aren’t. If anyone is ever feeling down upon themselves, simply send them this picture in a card (unless they are from some nations in the Middle East or South America… it has a slightly different connotation over there)… or you could always just send them to this page (I’m aware my shameless plug is hanging out, I like it that way).

A Perspective from the Male Mind:

Phase 1: Suspect
You know, she’s always hanging out with that guy Larry. I wonder what the deal is. I’m starting to get nervous. They have been to the disco together every Tuesday. How come he gets to go to girls-night-out, yet I don’t? That’s really not fair. She must be fucking him. That has to be it. They have so many inside jokes. He must be inside her. Right now.

Phase 2: O RLY?
What’s that? Larry’s gay? Oh… haha…. of course… right… his love for Kiss Me, Kate makes sense now.

Phase 3: Take Advantage
Oh hey, Cindy, go hang out with Larry, yeah, have a great time! Whenever you’re thinking of hanging out with Bill or Butch, why don’t you just hang out with Larry instead, you guys are such great friends!

BRB.

I BELIEVE IN HAPPINESS AGAIN!

Phase 4: Come Home from Epic Mountain Trip Early
and find out she has been boning Bill and Butch the entire time. I really should have suspected this considering “Bill and Butch” sound like either hitmen, or guys that fuck your girlfriend.

I could make a joke about procrastinating writing this article, however I’ll wait. I’m sure I’ll get to it later. Don’t worry about it.

The beauty of procrastination comes wrapped in instant satisfaction. Why would one punish themselves willingly? To have fun later? If an evil Nazi doctor is about to pluck your eyes out, wouldn’t you attempt to persuade him to give you just a few more seconds with your lovely eyes? Procrastination is like that, and you get to keep your eyes!

Another amazing thing about procrastination is that it makes everything absolutely beautiful; it’s the miracle that allows me to stare at a wall for an hour… and make it feel great.

"I'm... admiring the masonry for my... uhh... masonry class I might be taking next year."

It will also most likely make everything on this website that much more hilarious, because it’s simply better than doing work! It’s science! As a human, we have quite the large intellectual brain, and we’re expected to work because of that (damn you dolphins for keeping under the radar!); by not working, and just enjoying ourselves, it’s like slapping Mother Nature in the face with your own free-will. You’re taking your brain back and doing what YOU want with it… which is not using it. And now you, the reader, are getting a few mentions of science, anatomy, and other smart things to make yourself feel productive while procrastinating! The perfect excuse to tell yourself!

Now go read the rest of this website, it’s educational!

(Click on the image to enlarge)

The story he never got to tell Batman at the end of The Dark Knight.

I don’t know about you, but I submerged from the womb as a completely pristine young lass, with a worldly view on life and a neatly trimmed Tom Selleck-style mustache. With my Olympic gold medal for Hockey (GODDAMNIT, CANADA) in one hand and a White Russian in the other, I simply strutted out of my mother’s vagina and onto the streets of Compton. It was there that I ended the War on Baggy Pants (which actually would’ve been done singlehandedly had my hands not been full, you see).

So, when I stumble upon my array of websites that I created when I was 14—Xanga, Livejournal, Deviant Art and the like—I’m obviously not ashamed. I don’t even mind when these websites deny my requests to delete my account (really, Deviant Art? You’re just so fucking attached to those overly manipulated, copyright infringed photos I posted of the Olsen Twins?)

Depicted: Years of our lives attempting to hide itself.

I have to admit, at 14 years old, I was undeniably insightful. I quoted Bright Eyes lyrics that I’d never actually listened to (CONNER O’BURST 4EVER), joined “BlogRings” on Xanga that promoted diligent moral high ground, such as “I’m So Glamorous I Piss Glitter” and “Degrassi Owns Me” (it was 100% intense, you guys!). I was a civil rights activist, armed with the brilliant retorts I’d crafted in middle school:

I think I’m gonna start saying, “that’s so straight” [even though I'm straight myself], if i keep hearing “that’s so gay,” etcetera… anymore. seriously, people. there are better adjectives out there. like fuckhead. i’m very fond of that one.

you bitches are so straight.

how’s that, bigots?

(:

Alas! There’s more insight from where that came from:

my boob hurts. but i think i’ll be emo and tell you my heart hurts.

All from the same entry! Holy mackerel, shit is some powerful political ammo. Continue Reading

Sir Nils Olav is Colonel-in-Chief of the Norwegian King’s Guard. How is that better than sex? Well he’s a fucking penguin. A king penguin to be precise (and ironic).

He has been in the service since 1972, despite the minor setback of dieing once in 1987, he has been kicking ass ever since.

His latest accomplishment was being knighted on August 15th 2008 with a statement from the King of Norway himself that Nils was “in every way qualified to receive the honour and dignity of knighthood”

Like a good Colonel-in-Chief, he gets to inspect the troops to weed out the weak. He is simply a badassery detector. You better cover up your love for Happy Feet around this gangster.

He has accomplished more than you ever will.

Don’t believe me? Watch the ceremony here:

Did you tear up? I teared up.