The lightsaber is the coolest weapon in the history of the universe, a fact that nobody who has ever used one seems to appreciate. How cool are lightsabers? So cool they are still awesome even after George Lucas gave one to this guy:

Did I say 1? I meant 2. And they're still fucking awesome.

A lightsaber is a sword made of pure energy that can cut through anything, deflect lasers, and even absorb lightning. That’s right; in the armory of the gods, lightsabers are a step above Zeus’ lightning bolts. And yet, whenever a character turns one on, their first reaction is not to go cut a private entrance to the dressing room of the local strip club. In fact they almost never turn them on at all. Come on people, it’s a sword that can cut through anything! Have you ever wanted to see what the inside of Donald Trump’s office looks like? How about the vaults at Fort Knox after all the gold’s been removed (by you)? No? What do you want to see the inside of? A giant space kangaroo? Fuck you.

What?! There are intestines inside this thing? Go figure, I was hoping for Dunkaroos.

…or the world’s coolest/most-disturbing sleeping bag.

Dead animals: The best place to keep a child.

Now no one has ever claimed George Lucas is a great screenwriter; the fact that the man has written dialog even harder to take seriously than naming a difficult-to-obtain mineral “unobtanium” is worthy of some kind of medal. So I thought I might help the guy out and rewrite a few scenes from Star Wars to make the characters’ reactions more accurate.

SCENE 1
INT. OBI WAN’S HUT
Luke, Obi Wan Kenobi, C-3PO, and R2-D2 are sitting in the Obi Wan’s hut.

OBI WAN
This is your father’s lightsaber.
This is the weapon of a Jedi knight.
Not as clumsy or random as a blaster…

Luke turns on the lightsaber. It glows awesomely. Luke starts waving it around like a retard. On crack. Awesome crack.

OBI WAN (cont’d)
… an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.

C-3PO
Sir, if you’ll not be needing me, I’ll shut down for a bit.

Luke spins to face C-3PO and accidentally cuts of his head.

LUKE
Fuck yeah!

OBI WAN
For over a thousand years the Jedi knights
were guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

LUKE
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
I’m going to go chop up some more droids.
…And people.

SCENE 2
EXT. STREETS OF MOS EISLEY

Luke, Obi Wan, R2-D2, and Headless C-3PO ride in on Luke’s land-speeder. A pair of stormtroopers stops them.

STORMTROOPER
How long have you had these droids? Let me see your identification.

OBI WAN
You don’t need to see his identification.

LUKE
Yo, Obi-GAY Kenobi, I got this shit.

OBI WAN
That doesn’t even—

LUKE
Is this the lightsaber you’re looking for?

STORMTROOPER
What?

Luke pulls out his lightsaber and chops off the stormtroopers’ heads.

LUKE
Fuck yeah!

OBI WAN
We should get off the street. Let’s go into this Cantina.

LUKE
Good idea, maybe I can go chop off some dude’s arm!

SCENE 3
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON

Luke trains with that floating laser-ball thing while Obi Wan and Han Solo watch. R2-D2 and Chewbacca are playing Space Chess. C-3PO’s headless robot corpse sits in a corner, rusting. A stray laser from the ball-thingy hit Luke.

HAN
Hokey religions and ancient weapons
are no match for a good blaster at your side.

Luke cuts off Han’s head.

LUKE
Fuck yeah!

OBI WAN
Perhaps that’s enough training for now.

If by this point you aren’t convinced of the sheer masculine, god-complex forming awesomeness of the lightsaber then you probably aren’t worth convincing, but here are a 3 final facts about lightsabers for you to consider:
1) Samuel L. Jackson, The Sorcerer Thulsa Doom, Cookie Monster, The Joker, Snake Eyes from the G.I. Joe movie, Oskar Schindler, and Dracula have all had a lightsabers—and they were all even more badass when they did. Also, Van Helsing almost had one, which is too awesomely symmetrical to imagine.
2) Lightsabers come in many colors, including blue, green, red, yellow, and Samuel L. Jackson purple. They can be the single, dual-wielded, doubled-bladed, or bendy-straw variety.

For 225 tickets at Chuck E Cheese

3) Samuel L. Jackson.

“Ringo, I want you to go in that bag and find my lightsaber. It’s the one that says ‘Bad Mother Fucker’ on it.” (hint: It actually does.)

Also, they kind of look like a penis.

A penis made of light.