Listen, I’m not much of a wine guru. I don’t drink it— If you have to join a club to taste your drink of choice, it’s not worth it. I fucking love SODA. What I love even more is feeling like I’m keeping trim by cutting proverbial weight loss corners by drinking diet soda. Do you know where I learned this trick from? Zeus. That’s fucking right, you guys. How did he become so mystic and wondrous? Certainly not by magic. He drank diet soda, and then he got all Ab 3000′d. This is a fact. I’ve watched CNN a few times.
How do you think he harnessed that much energy? Caffeine.
Wait, you thought the Gods drank wine? Um, ok. Have you ever heard of zero calorie wine? No. Even if you have, you need to not know that. For the purposes of historical accuracy in the article, deny its existence. The Gods didn’t drink wine. Wine was reserved for young ethereal unicorn nymphs to be lured into Zeus’ sex lair. Soda was the actual juice of the Gods. I’ve totally seen Mama Mia!. I know Greece, guys. I’m not a unicorn nymph.
Do you know what else makes me feel like I’m one the Gods? Getting two sodas from a vending machine when you only pay for one.
I know, guys, free stuff is great. But this goes BEYOND that. This is about cheating luck. And what’s more American than that? Imported wine? No. Stolen soda? Yes. This is like beating a leprechaun to a height contest, stealing his consolation prize and then taking his mom out to dinner. What more could you ask for? Oh, yeah. FREE SODA. Getting two sodas from the vending machine is like living in a world where The Black Eyed Peas didn’t win a Grammy for their shit song “I Gotta Feeling”. This is where everyone recognizes the Beatles song of the same name (just more grammatically correct) and the world is perfect, orderly, and still full of of win. Furthermore, one can recycle the cans into a super cool Tin Man costume if more than one is retrieved fo’ free. The Wizard of Oz is a great movie and if you disagree I will take you down faster than a narcoleptic goat. Or that leprechaun’s mom (the breakfast of champions!).
Again. The point. Free soda. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera used to shill soda for their respective cash-mongering corporate companies. They also used to be hot. If you drink soda, you can used to be hot, too. So, get that free soda. If you for one second question whether or not to accept Zeus’ holy gift to you, I will go all Dr. Manhattan on your ass, teleport to wherever you are, and swipe that soda. And so, dear readers, are the humble beginnings of America described.
