Now I know what you might be thinking, handjobs are the one thing that is specifically worse than sex, therefore you immediately ruined the integrity of this website.

That’s where you’re wrong. Stupid and wrong.

Chances are if you use the Internet, you spend all of your time fapping (masturbating). What if someone else could fap (masturbate) for you? Then your hands are free to do all kinds of things. Handjobs are the Bluetooth of intercourse. Unlike sex where you have to exhaust all of your effort into plumbing (‘gina fapping), handjobs allow you to multitask, freeing up that arm to do new and exciting things, like fly a kite or fencing. I mean sure, when you’re jerking it you still have that other arm free to do things like arm wrestle or play Yahtzee, but c’mon, who wants to play board games with that guy who’s always cumming everywhere.

And c’mon, fencing.

Not to mention, a handjob doesn’t have to be as formal as sex. Handjobs are the tuxedo shirt of intercourse. For example, say you take that special someone on a real classy date. You two really hit it off and it’s clear that tonight’s going to be your lucky night. All you have to do is take her back to your dad’s house (in this hypothetical situation your mom was murdered) and you’ll be in Soak City.

But nay! No need to go through the trouble of finishing dinner and waiting for her to drive you home (because you’re also handicapped). You can get a handjob right at there at the dinner table! And you won’t have to cut short that conversation you were having about the terrible wheelchair accident that killed your mom (like I said, you’re really hitting it off).

Of the several things you’re probably wondering about this article, you’re main concern is obviously that: Valentines Day is almost here! How in God’s name will I get a girl to consent to doing ANY of these things. Ever. Fencing. Well, here’s what you do.

First, you approach the object of your affection with an introductory question to set the mood, such as “¿Que Paso?” If she isn’t already giving you a handjob at this point, take a seat next to her at the bus stop. Now that she’s a little more comfortable with you and your social conventions, strike up a conversation about what you have in common, such as what day it is or what’s today’s date. If you aren’t getting a handjob right now, then you can’t follow simple fucking directions.

Sure, maybe handjobs aren’t for everyone, but for those of us who have to work 9 – 5 to feed our families and pay our bills (Whites), we need to have the option to mix business and pleasure. Because that’s what America is all about. Handjobs are the America of intercourse. Handjobs are awesome. The only downside is getting cum all over your shit.