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The story he never got to tell Batman at the end of The Dark Knight.

Sir Nils Olav is Colonel-in-Chief of the Norwegian King’s Guard. How is that better than sex? Well he’s a fucking penguin. A king penguin to be precise (and ironic).

He has been in the service since 1972, despite the minor setback of dieing once in 1987, he has been kicking ass ever since.

His latest accomplishment was being knighted on August 15th 2008 with a statement from the King of Norway himself that Nils was “in every way qualified to receive the honour and dignity of knighthood”

Like a good Colonel-in-Chief, he gets to inspect the troops to weed out the weak. He is simply a badassery detector. You better cover up your love for Happy Feet around this gangster.

He has accomplished more than you ever will.

Don’t believe me? Watch the ceremony here:

Did you tear up? I teared up.

I am officially declaring Narwhal Awareness Week. Actually, screw that, I’m declaring EVERY damn week as Narwhal Awareness Week, because they just kick your shit that much. If you don’t know what a narwhal is, here’s a reference:

I'd say "the best thing since sliced bread" but Narwhals were the thing that sliced the bread in the first place. Sliced it hard.

You see what that is? A horn. Its a whale with a horn. You know what’s even more kickass than a horn? The fact it’s not a horn, but really a giant tooth. Now thanks to Twilight stripping away the coolness of vampires, and turning them into sparkle-fairies (or glitter-pixies in some states), we need a new long-toothed badass. I propose a narwhal.

Narwhal Cullen. I now understand the lust girls have over this man.

There’s nothing that would make me feel safer than having a long-toothed whale watching over me at all hours of the night… always. Another reason it would be such an appropriate match is that absolutely nobody knows how old narwhals can be, some reports say they can live to be over 100; this puts them in the perfect age range to lust over high-school girls according to modern-mythos.

Let’s not forget about the tooth itself. It checks in at a whopping 9 feet, which is even bigger than Edward Cullen’s forehead, believe it or not. The narwhal is so confident in its massive horn-tooth, it doesn’t even have any teeth in its actual mouth, so get your peanut-butter ready if you ever see one.

If you aren’t charmed yet (egad!), the narwhal will conquer you with its sheer intelligence. Dolphins famously get all the credit for being intelligent animals, however, in the battle of wits, narwhals are thought to be on par with dolphins. So… Narwhals, if you’re reading this, take on those damn dirty fame-stealing dolphins… with your 9 foot arsenal of awesome.

Bonus Fact: The scientific name for narwhal is Monodon Monocerus, meaning “One-Tooth One-Horn.” It’s the only creature with an early 2000s Metal music group included in its etymology.

There are several men throughout the course of history who have become famous for their hilariously psychotic personalities, and while many may come to mind, I am not talking about Ed Gein. Silly Edward, people can’t be furniture!

Gary Busey, man’s man, gentleman of questionable mental health, and overall badass. Few actors are given a chance to be in such a diverse array of films, most notably the best film ever created, Predator 2.

He will abusey your levels of cool.

Hypothetical Situation: I am presented with two options:
A) Sit in a throne made of solid fucking platinum while lesbians feed me grapes and wine from the skulls of your children.
B) See a Predator 3 created this year.

It would be absolutely no contest in any way, but there must be several conditions:

1. Gary Busey must play himself throughout the entire movie (Predator would indefinitely be played by Nicholas Cage)

And you thought Ghost Rider was good? Just you wait!

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The lightsaber is the coolest weapon in the history of the universe, a fact that nobody who has ever used one seems to appreciate. How cool are lightsabers? So cool they are still awesome even after George Lucas gave one to this guy:

Did I say 1? I meant 2. And they're still fucking awesome.

A lightsaber is a sword made of pure energy that can cut through anything, deflect lasers, and even absorb lightning. That’s right; in the armory of the gods, lightsabers are a step above Zeus’ lightning bolts. And yet, whenever a character turns one on, their first reaction is not to go cut a private entrance to the dressing room of the local strip club. In fact they almost never turn them on at all. Come on people, it’s a sword that can cut through anything! Have you ever wanted to see what the inside of Donald Trump’s office looks like? How about the vaults at Fort Knox after all the gold’s been removed (by you)? No? What do you want to see the inside of? A giant space kangaroo? Fuck you.

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Some people say the best invention is the wheel. Well, the wheel is currently causing our planet to overheat, so I’m gonna have to say that the chair pretty much kicks its ass in all directions. Imagine standing or lying down all the time–chairs add variety to life.

Also, sex appeal.

Check your history books, people. Chairs are important. Kings sat in chairs. The Jews require reclining in chairs for Passover. Convicts on death row are killed in chairs. Hell, even wheels need chairs to be efficient; just imagine driving a car while standing. We would all be riding Segways, and I’m pretty sure that the Constution states that Segways are not created equal. You see, there would be no developmental progress because one cannot stand up to fight for something if everyone is already standing. “Tippie-toe and fight for your future!” simply doesn’t have the same ring.

Chairs save lives everyday. For example, eating stuff lying down leads to choking hazards. Don’t say, “Oh, you can sit cross legged on the floor and eat.” You can’t say that because if somebody was intelligent enough to think of that idea, they would also be the person to invent chairs. Plus, you just killed your friend by saying that. You are an asshole.

Oh, and you know what’s badass? Lions. Chairs are great for lions. If chairs didn’t exist, lion tamers might use something sharper and more harmful to poke lions with. Without chairs, we might not have lions.

In short, the human race would die out without chairs. Short people would not be able to reach food, and then tall people would be favored by evolution. Over time, the human race would grow very tall, and people that are very tall have kidney problems and die. Thanks, chairs!