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The story he never got to tell Batman at the end of The Dark Knight.

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Sir Nils Olav is Colonel-in-Chief of the Norwegian King’s Guard. How is that better than sex? Well he’s a fucking penguin. A king penguin to be precise (and ironic).

He has been in the service since 1972, despite the minor setback of dieing once in 1987, he has been kicking ass ever since.

His latest accomplishment was being knighted on August 15th 2008 with a statement from the King of Norway himself that Nils was “in every way qualified to receive the honour and dignity of knighthood”

Like a good Colonel-in-Chief, he gets to inspect the troops to weed out the weak. He is simply a badassery detector. You better cover up your love for Happy Feet around this gangster.

He has accomplished more than you ever will.

Don’t believe me? Watch the ceremony here:

Did you tear up? I teared up.

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I am officially declaring Narwhal Awareness Week. Actually, screw that, I’m declaring EVERY damn week as Narwhal Awareness Week, because they just kick your shit that much. If you don’t know what a narwhal is, here’s a reference:

I'd say "the best thing since sliced bread" but Narwhals were the thing that sliced the bread in the first place. Sliced it hard.

You see what that is? A horn. Its a whale with a horn. You know what’s even more kickass than a horn? The fact it’s not a horn, but really a giant tooth. Now thanks to Twilight stripping away the coolness of vampires, and turning them into sparkle-fairies (or glitter-pixies in some states), we need a new long-toothed badass. I propose a narwhal.

Narwhal Cullen. I now understand the lust girls have over this man.

There’s nothing that would make me feel safer than having a long-toothed whale watching over me at all hours of the night… always. Another reason it would be such an appropriate match is that absolutely nobody knows how old narwhals can be, some reports say they can live to be over 100; this puts them in the perfect age range to lust over high-school girls according to modern-mythos.

Let’s not forget about the tooth itself. It checks in at a whopping 9 feet, which is even bigger than Edward Cullen’s forehead, believe it or not. The narwhal is so confident in its massive horn-tooth, it doesn’t even have any teeth in its actual mouth, so get your peanut-butter ready if you ever see one.

If you aren’t charmed yet (egad!), the narwhal will conquer you with its sheer intelligence. Dolphins famously get all the credit for being intelligent animals, however, in the battle of wits, narwhals are thought to be on par with dolphins. So… Narwhals, if you’re reading this, take on those damn dirty fame-stealing dolphins… with your 9 foot arsenal of awesome.

Bonus Fact: The scientific name for narwhal is Monodon Monocerus, meaning “One-Tooth One-Horn.” It’s the only creature with an early 2000s Metal music group included in its etymology.

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There are several men throughout the course of history who have become famous for their hilariously psychotic personalities, and while many may come to mind, I am not talking about Ed Gein. Silly Edward, people can’t be furniture!

Gary Busey, man’s man, gentleman of questionable mental health, and overall badass. Few actors are given a chance to be in such a diverse array of films, most notably the best film ever created, Predator 2.

He will abusey your levels of cool.

Hypothetical Situation: I am presented with two options:
A) Sit in a throne made of solid fucking platinum while lesbians feed me grapes and wine from the skulls of your children.
B) See a Predator 3 created this year.

It would be absolutely no contest in any way, but there must be several conditions:

1. Gary Busey must play himself throughout the entire movie (Predator would indefinitely be played by Nicholas Cage)

And you thought Ghost Rider was good? Just you wait!

2. There will be no logical product placement in the movie. God dammit I fucking hate it when James Bond is shaving with a Gillete razor or actors mutter the phrase “Oh hold on I’ll just Google it”
NO NO NO A MILLION TIMES NO
Busey will be drinking Colt 45 malt liquor throughout the entire movie, and during important plot relevant conversations, he will be brushing his teeth with Arm & Hammer Extended Whitening toothpaste.
Predator will be allowed to take several Tylenol Extra Strength after an especially taxing battle with Busey

3. Predator must be foiled only by Busey succesfully poisoning him with over-the-counter cough medication (preferrably something with a high concentration of dextromethorphan). Imagine Predator slowly dieing while explaining to Gary Busey why the Spanish inquisition should be a flavor of ice cream
Taking advantage of Predator’s altered consciousness, Busey would then drive a flaming motorcycle straight through Predator’s dick. Confetti will explode out of Predator’s head as Busey dangerously swerves the motorcycle to a dramatic stop. He winks at the camera as a hawk lands on his shoulder. A crowd of well-dressed party-goers would then suddenly emerge from the surrounding area and begin clapping. Champagne is handed out en masse and our hero sweeps his love interest into his arms (also played by Gary Busey).
As he smiles, he sticks Predator’s head on the front of his motorcycle like some sick prehistoric totem, revs up the bike with his lady on the back, zooms out into the sun, and then brilliantly explodes into fireworks. As the partygoers cry, it slowly turns to feelings of extreme discomfort as they slowly get the feeling that Busey is watching them from inside their own veins. Next sequel?

END SCENE

If you don’t agree with this magnificent sequel, I’m sure Gary Busey will be glad to punch you in every testicle you own (my condolences Tom Green).

Just that man’s teeth is enough to carry a film. You could even make a fourth Lord of The Rings titled “The 24 Towers” (32 If you count molars, but molars are rarely impressive). It could all be shot with high definition microscopic cameras in Busey’s mouth to show how his superior immune system defends his jawline against sugar, coffee stains, and Hepatitis C.

Oh, and you thought your band name was cool? Busey played drums in “The Rubber Band”, which is probably the most genius band name since “Stickshift Abortion.” Get the fuck out of here with your “genius” ideas. I swear to god if you shit eating little Alternative Rockers come out with another band like, “Finger Eleven” I will personally book the band “Bodies in the Gears of the Apparatus” to come to your show and surgically remove your vertebrae with pure death metal and then vomit blood down your eye sockets.

If you’re still questioning this:

Young Busey even had a rainbow pointing towards his crotch.

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The lightsaber is the coolest weapon in the history of the universe, a fact that nobody who has ever used one seems to appreciate. How cool are lightsabers? So cool they are still awesome even after George Lucas gave one to this guy:

Did I say 1? I meant 2. And they're still fucking awesome.

A lightsaber is a sword made of pure energy that can cut through anything, deflect lasers, and even absorb lightning. That’s right; in the armory of the gods, lightsabers are a step above Zeus’ lightning bolts. And yet, whenever a character turns one on, their first reaction is not to go cut a private entrance to the dressing room of the local strip club. In fact they almost never turn them on at all. Come on people, it’s a sword that can cut through anything! Have you ever wanted to see what the inside of Donald Trump’s office looks like? How about the vaults at Fort Knox after all the gold’s been removed (by you)? No? What do you want to see the inside of? A giant space kangaroo? Fuck you.

What?! There are intestines inside this thing? Go figure, I was hoping for Dunkaroos.

…or the world’s coolest/most-disturbing sleeping bag.

Dead animals: The best place to keep a child.

Now no one has ever claimed George Lucas is a great screenwriter; the fact that the man has written dialog even harder to take seriously than naming a difficult-to-obtain mineral “unobtanium” is worthy of some kind of medal. So I thought I might help the guy out and rewrite a few scenes from Star Wars to make the characters’ reactions more accurate.

SCENE 1
INT. OBI WAN’S HUT
Luke, Obi Wan Kenobi, C-3PO, and R2-D2 are sitting in the Obi Wan’s hut.

OBI WAN
This is your father’s lightsaber.
This is the weapon of a Jedi knight.
Not as clumsy or random as a blaster…

Luke turns on the lightsaber. It glows awesomely. Luke starts waving it around like a retard. On crack. Awesome crack.

OBI WAN (cont’d)
… an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.

C-3PO
Sir, if you’ll not be needing me, I’ll shut down for a bit.

Luke spins to face C-3PO and accidentally cuts of his head.

LUKE
Fuck yeah!

OBI WAN
For over a thousand years the Jedi knights
were guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

LUKE
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
I’m going to go chop up some more droids.
…And people.

SCENE 2
EXT. STREETS OF MOS EISLEY

Luke, Obi Wan, R2-D2, and Headless C-3PO ride in on Luke’s land-speeder. A pair of stormtroopers stops them.

STORMTROOPER
How long have you had these droids? Let me see your identification.

OBI WAN
You don’t need to see his identification.

LUKE
Yo, Obi-GAY Kenobi, I got this shit.

OBI WAN
That doesn’t even—

LUKE
Is this the lightsaber you’re looking for?

STORMTROOPER
What?

Luke pulls out his lightsaber and chops off the stormtroopers’ heads.

LUKE
Fuck yeah!

OBI WAN
We should get off the street. Let’s go into this Cantina.

LUKE
Good idea, maybe I can go chop off some dude’s arm!

SCENE 3
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON

Luke trains with that floating laser-ball thing while Obi Wan and Han Solo watch. R2-D2 and Chewbacca are playing Space Chess. C-3PO’s headless robot corpse sits in a corner, rusting. A stray laser from the ball-thingy hit Luke.

HAN
Hokey religions and ancient weapons
are no match for a good blaster at your side.

Luke cuts off Han’s head.

LUKE
Fuck yeah!

OBI WAN
Perhaps that’s enough training for now.

If by this point you aren’t convinced of the sheer masculine, god-complex forming awesomeness of the lightsaber then you probably aren’t worth convincing, but here are a 3 final facts about lightsabers for you to consider:
1) Samuel L. Jackson, The Sorcerer Thulsa Doom, Cookie Monster, The Joker, Snake Eyes from the G.I. Joe movie, Oskar Schindler, and Dracula have all had a lightsabers—and they were all even more badass when they did. Also, Van Helsing almost had one, which is too awesomely symmetrical to imagine.
2) Lightsabers come in many colors, including blue, green, red, yellow, and Samuel L. Jackson purple. They can be the single, dual-wielded, doubled-bladed, or bendy-straw variety.

For 225 tickets at Chuck E Cheese

3) Samuel L. Jackson.

“Ringo, I want you to go in that bag and find my lightsaber. It’s the one that says ‘Bad Mother Fucker’ on it.” (hint: It actually does.)

Also, they kind of look like a penis.

A penis made of light.

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Some people say the best invention is the wheel. Well, the wheel is currently causing our planet to overheat, so I’m gonna have to say that the chair pretty much kicks its ass in all directions. Imagine standing or lying down all the time–chairs add variety to life.

Also, sex appeal.

Check your history books, people. Chairs are important. Kings sat in chairs. The Jews require reclining in chairs for Passover. Convicts on death row are killed in chairs. Hell, even wheels need chairs to be efficient; just imagine driving a car while standing. We would all be riding Segways, and I’m pretty sure that the Constution states that Segways are not created equal. You see, there would be no developmental progress because one cannot stand up to fight for something if everyone is already standing. “Tippie-toe and fight for your future!” simply doesn’t have the same ring.

Chairs save lives everyday. For example, eating stuff lying down leads to choking hazards. Don’t say, “Oh, you can sit cross legged on the floor and eat.” You can’t say that because if somebody was intelligent enough to think of that idea, they would also be the person to invent chairs. Plus, you just killed your friend by saying that. You are an asshole.

Oh, and you know what’s badass? Lions. Chairs are great for lions. If chairs didn’t exist, lion tamers might use something sharper and more harmful to poke lions with. Without chairs, we might not have lions.

In short, the human race would die out without chairs. Short people would not be able to reach food, and then tall people would be favored by evolution. Over time, the human race would grow very tall, and people that are very tall have kidney problems and die. Thanks, chairs!

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