Some people say the best invention is the wheel. Well, the wheel is currently causing our planet to overheat, so I’m gonna have to say that the chair pretty much kicks its ass in all directions. Imagine standing or lying down all the time–chairs add variety to life.

Also, sex appeal.

Check your history books, people. Chairs are important. Kings sat in chairs. The Jews require reclining in chairs for Passover. Convicts on death row are killed in chairs. Hell, even wheels need chairs to be efficient; just imagine driving a car while standing. We would all be riding Segways, and I’m pretty sure that the Constution states that Segways are not created equal. You see, there would be no developmental progress because one cannot stand up to fight for something if everyone is already standing. “Tippie-toe and fight for your future!” simply doesn’t have the same ring.

Chairs save lives everyday. For example, eating stuff lying down leads to choking hazards. Don’t say, “Oh, you can sit cross legged on the floor and eat.” You can’t say that because if somebody was intelligent enough to think of that idea, they would also be the person to invent chairs. Plus, you just killed your friend by saying that. You are an asshole.

Oh, and you know what’s badass? Lions. Chairs are great for lions. If chairs didn’t exist, lion tamers might use something sharper and more harmful to poke lions with. Without chairs, we might not have lions.

In short, the human race would die out without chairs. Short people would not be able to reach food, and then tall people would be favored by evolution. Over time, the human race would grow very tall, and people that are very tall have kidney problems and die. Thanks, chairs!

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