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The story he never got to tell Batman at the end of The Dark Knight.

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I just got back from Utah and I gotta say: Utah rocks! I can’t believe I had never been there before! Now as we all know, Utah doesn’t really have the best reputation, being described as a breeding ground for “inbred retards who eat nothing but salt and placenta,” but let’s be fair, not everyone can have different families. Differences aside, allow me to explain why my experience in Utah was so dank.

Me and my Dad arrived Thursday night ready to get our party on. I was going to accept my choir trophy and he was going to meet up with his Sister/Uncle. We parted ways and I headed over to the VIP area of Utah to grab some of their famous greased meats. I knew it was party time because they were pumpin’ that Utah jazz and it really started to smell like period.

No matter where you go in Utah, you can always really get a sense of the culture by indulging in their controversial, yet profound modern art and religious influence. It was a little intimidating at first to be one of the only people without a Swastika tattoo, but it quickly passed because I’m really down with diversity.

I think my favorite part of Utah is how relaxed it is. I thought it would be really strict, but in Utah they don’t mind when people litter because it’s already covered in filth and garbage water. Also, the people in Utah are really comfortable with themselves, and are open to publicly talking about their rashes and cysts while other people are trying to eat. They also play fun games like Opposite Day where people shit on toilet seats and leave it there, which is the opposite of having any regard for normal people who don’t live on a fucking farm. Another cool thing about Utah is that it’s apparently okay for other people to park extremely close to you on both fucking sides so you can’t fucking leave and have to spend two more hours in fucking Utah. While I’m at it, I might as well tell you that the food in Utah is fucking terrible and disgusting.

Fuck Utah.

UPDATE: Upon completion of this article, I realized that I confused Utah with Red Robin. Whoopsies. :-O

UPDATE: To reiterate, Utah is also a shithole, but better than sex because of its jazz. Red Robin still sucks.

UPDATE: To make this more clear: Utah > Sex > Red Robin

UPDATE: I ACTUALLY HAD SEX. I am proud to bring forth a new era of credibility to ThingsBetterThanSex.com. With this shocking turn of events I will finally bring clarity to this debate: Utah > Red Robin > Sex
Sex was uncomfortable and embarrassing. I am so alone. :-O

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