A Perspective from the Male Mind:

Phase 1: Suspect
You know, she’s always hanging out with that guy Larry. I wonder what the deal is. I’m starting to get nervous. They have been to the disco together every Tuesday. How come he gets to go to girls-night-out, yet I don’t? That’s really not fair. She must be fucking him. That has to be it. They have so many inside jokes. He must be inside her. Right now.

Phase 2: O RLY?
What’s that? Larry’s gay? Oh… haha…. of course… right… his love for Kiss Me, Kate makes sense now.

Phase 3: Take Advantage
Oh hey, Cindy, go hang out with Larry, yeah, have a great time! Whenever you’re thinking of hanging out with Bill or Butch, why don’t you just hang out with Larry instead, you guys are such great friends!

BRB.

I BELIEVE IN HAPPINESS AGAIN!

Phase 4: Come Home from Epic Mountain Trip Early
and find out she has been boning Bill and Butch the entire time. I really should have suspected this considering “Bill and Butch” sound like either hitmen, or guys that fuck your girlfriend.

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I’ve never been water-boarded, and don’t plan on it, however I’m pretty sure this next example is damn close: having on wet shoes. Everyone knows the feeling of having their precious toesies amidst life’s equivalent to the ever frustrating “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” Water Temple (you know, the one that made you never finish that game and you’re secretly ashamed of the fact).

Shoes + Wet - Feet = Joy

So here’s the situation, you just walked 2 miles of successfully dodging puddles when your soon-to-not-be-friend pushes you into one. After disposing your friend in a nearby gutter (for irony purposes), you’ll develop the sudden loathing of yourself for not wearing boots that day. After you gather your dignity and realize the cops are probably on your ass for murdering that douche-friend of yours, naturally you’ll run your ass to your secret lair.

Either way; secret lair or prison, your shoes are going to get removed, and it’s going to be amazing. Don’t get too caught up in the moment and forget to take your socks off as well because *spoilers*, that’s pretty damn amazing as well. Once your shoes are removed, revel in the crisp crackling nudity your toes are now experiencing. Rub them. Squeeze them. Love them. None of these are recommended if you have Athlete’s Foot.

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