The dictionary defines schadenfreude as “satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.”  You know what else the dictionary defines it as?

FUCKING AWESOME.

Even if we ignore its definition, schadenfreude is a great word.  It may clock in at a measly three syllables, but saying it aloud has the power to transform you into the sort of partygoer that will have people asking, “Did Oscar Wilde, Gore Vidal, and Truman Capote have a three-way, realize that none of them possess the ability to procreate, regret nothing, and subsequently adopt and raise an unrelated child as their own?  AND IS THIS MAN THAT CHILD?”  For comparison’s sake the word ‘boogermuncher’ has four syllables, and saying it aloud will only make people think you enjoy movies like ‘Delta Farce’ and ‘Across The Universe.’ *

You know who enjoyed ‘Across The Universe?’ Hitler.

But if you think using the word is fun, just wait until you can put it into delicious malicious action.  Now, even in the most stable of roommate relationships there is sometimes some tension.  It’s unavoidable, unpreventable, and unawordable.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun.  Don’t despair if you lose the battle over the thermostat, because Eywa works in mysterious ways.  And sometimes that means giving you a free day and your roommate a final.

Some of you may have the instinct to spend such a day outside, out of the way of your living space companion.  Why do some of you hate joy?  Did some of you have a doctor take out the part of your brain that feels joy and replace it with something that makes you only feel hatred for joy?  When some of you made the reservations for this surgery were some of you aware that the procedure was both highly fictional and highly only for Party City employees?

Having a roommate whose day is filled with trudgery is like going to orgy camp, you can do whatever you like.  And just like at orgy camp, everything’s more fun when you’re passive aggressive.  Stretch your legs loudly, complain that you’re still tired after a five-hour nap, have sex with your roommate’s girlfriend – it’s all fair game so long as you apologize for it later.

Just don’t make him watch ‘Across The Universe.’  That’s taking things way too far.

*Note that the word “schadenfreude” is a lot less impressive at those crazy German Etymology Parties sororities are throwing these days.

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