I am officially declaring Narwhal Awareness Week. Actually, screw that, I’m declaring EVERY damn week as Narwhal Awareness Week, because they just kick your shit that much. If you don’t know what a narwhal is, here’s a reference:

I'd say "the best thing since sliced bread" but Narwhals were the thing that sliced the bread in the first place. Sliced it hard.

You see what that is? A horn. Its a whale with a horn. You know what’s even more kickass than a horn? The fact it’s not a horn, but really a giant tooth. Now thanks to Twilight stripping away the coolness of vampires, and turning them into sparkle-fairies (or glitter-pixies in some states), we need a new long-toothed badass. I propose a narwhal.

Narwhal Cullen. I now understand the lust girls have over this man.

There’s nothing that would make me feel safer than having a long-toothed whale watching over me at all hours of the night… always. Another reason it would be such an appropriate match is that absolutely nobody knows how old narwhals can be, some reports say they can live to be over 100; this puts them in the perfect age range to lust over high-school girls according to modern-mythos.

Let’s not forget about the tooth itself. It checks in at a whopping 9 feet, which is even bigger than Edward Cullen’s forehead, believe it or not. The narwhal is so confident in its massive horn-tooth, it doesn’t even have any teeth in its actual mouth, so get your peanut-butter ready if you ever see one.

If you aren’t charmed yet (egad!), the narwhal will conquer you with its sheer intelligence. Dolphins famously get all the credit for being intelligent animals, however, in the battle of wits, narwhals are thought to be on par with dolphins. So… Narwhals, if you’re reading this, take on those damn dirty fame-stealing dolphins… with your 9 foot arsenal of awesome.

Bonus Fact: The scientific name for narwhal is Monodon Monocerus, meaning “One-Tooth One-Horn.” It’s the only creature with an early 2000s Metal music group included in its etymology.

I’ve never been water-boarded, and don’t plan on it, however I’m pretty sure this next example is damn close: having on wet shoes. Everyone knows the feeling of having their precious toesies amidst life’s equivalent to the ever frustrating “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” Water Temple (you know, the one that made you never finish that game and you’re secretly ashamed of the fact).

Shoes + Wet - Feet = Joy

So here’s the situation, you just walked 2 miles of successfully dodging puddles when your soon-to-not-be-friend pushes you into one. After disposing your friend in a nearby gutter (for irony purposes), you’ll develop the sudden loathing of yourself for not wearing boots that day. After you gather your dignity and realize the cops are probably on your ass for murdering that douche-friend of yours, naturally you’ll run your ass to your secret lair.

Either way; secret lair or prison, your shoes are going to get removed, and it’s going to be amazing. Don’t get too caught up in the moment and forget to take your socks off as well because *spoilers*, that’s pretty damn amazing as well. Once your shoes are removed, revel in the crisp crackling nudity your toes are now experiencing. Rub them. Squeeze them. Love them. None of these are recommended if you have Athlete’s Foot.